DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Houston, we have a squirter
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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