I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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