You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
