Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Randomize
