I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
