I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
