she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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