im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Text me some of your sweat
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