Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
