walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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