i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You ruined the universe
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
