ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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