i wish my penis had a tongue
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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