If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
