i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
