Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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