I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
