Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
