Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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