i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
