was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
