I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
