Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
