i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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