Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You pole danced in your parka.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
