You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
