i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
