it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i think i just lost a toe
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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