I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
