My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
