i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
