I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
