Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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