We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
