he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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