I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
