I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
