I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
