I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I would fuck him just for his dog
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
