I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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