She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
