I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
