If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
