Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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