his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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