Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
