And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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