my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
