I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
