they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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